a) agree to play because, after all, you'll play anywhere anytime for the jersey and all that it stands for.

b) agree to play but only if you're allowed to take the penalties as a compromise.

c) refuse and storm out the dressing room and go to The Lounge for a pint only to find that you've left your money in your coat pocket along with the rest of your clothes back at the Clickimin.

2. The team are 3-0 down with twenty minutes to go. Do you . . .

a) run around covering every inch of the field (even if you are the goalkeeper) in an all out effort to prove that the Shetland Banks never give in until the last kick of the ball.

b) run twenty yards in an all out effort and then spend the remaining minutes trying to get up after a cardiac arrest.

c) run fifty yards to give the referee some verbal abuse to enable you to be sent off and spare yourself from further footballing humiliation.

3. You have been brutally hacked down as you were clean through on goal.  Do you . . .

a) get up, shake hands with the offender and exchange a few words in a jocular fashion to show that the Shetland Banks are known throughout the isles for their sportsmanship and good natured behaviour.

b) drag yourself up, point at your attacker in a threatening manner while being restrained by four other members of your team.

c) writhe in agony for fifteen minutes, moan at the referee, slip back into a coma only to get up at the sound of the approaching ambulance.

4. During a game in which you have been playing badly you are beckoned from the touchline to be substituted. Do you . . .

a) willingly leave the pitch as you know you've played badly and your only interest is the success of the Shetland Banks.

b) sprint in delight to the changing rooms.

c) have to be dragged bodily by your team-mates while you kick and scream and shout "Not me - it should be one of you useless bastards!"

5. You have been chosen to take a penalty kick. Do you . . .

a) step up to take it confidently in the knowledge that if you miss the whole team will double its efforts in order to make your error unimportant.

b) step up to take it nervously in the knowledge that if you miss the whole team will double its efforts in order to make your error look like the biggest mistake since your mother and father met.

c) refuse point blank to take it and say "Why do I have to do everything?"

6) A dog runs onto the pitch. Do you . . .

a) pick it up or usher it off the field with a broad grin on your face and hand it to its owner and be satisfied in the knowledge that not only have you probably saved the poor defenceless animal's life but that you have taken part in one of the lighter moments of football with the possibility of appearing on Eamonn Holmes "Oddballs" on ITV.

b) do nothing and stand completely still, although not as still as a lamp post.

c) stop the dog by lunging with one of your famous 'professional fouls' only to find that the rottweiller hasn't eaten all day.

7. During a match out of town, the ball is kicked into a nearby field which contains a ferocious looking bull. Do you . . .

a) retrieve the ball without hesitation as you are willing to risk life and limb for Shetland Banks Football Club.

b) "accidentally" trip before reaching the fence and then hold your leg as if in agony until somebody else gets the ball.

c) wish it was a sheep.

8. The match is being played in a snow blizzard and the referee decides to abandon the game.   Are you . . .

a) unhappy because just the joy of playing for the Shetland Banks is so invigorating that the inclement weather conditions were hardly noticeable.

b) thankful because the conditions were making a mockery of your unquestionable skills.

c) unable to express an opinion as you are encased in a block of ice and will probably be dug up by an archaeologist in 10,000 years.

9. During a match, Britain is under nuclear attack and the four minute warning has been sounded. Do you . . .

a) see this as the end of the Shetland Banks as we know it.

b) hope that there's no injury time.

c) dive into the Clickimin changing rooms, lay a high jump landing mat up against the door and lay under a bench as prescribed in the Government's Home Office manual.

Mostly A's:     You are a mug. Don't you know that football isn't everything and more importantly Shetland Banks don't give a toss about YOU!

Mostly B's:     You are the archetypal Shetland Banks footballer. No effort is too small. Willing to coast along on the crest of a trough.

Mostly C's:      You are too weak, cowardly, temperamental and obnoxious. In fact, I'm sorry, but you are just too GOOD for us.